lunch break

I'm not finding the energy to continue with this blog in this format at this time. And I don't want to be one who suddenly vanishes....maybe someone will miss me and worry.

I have another blog...where I go more into the challenges in my life. I don't want to compartmentalize and have this other life hanging in the balance.

Having been up for two days, I can't find the button to turn off the blog so i'll end here.

Whatever your choice is in faith and miracles, I humbly ask that you say a prayer for  me, because I no longer pray for myself. I wish I wasn't so cowardly, I'd join my friends over the rainbow.

Whither whither, shall I fly

I attended a slideshow presentation on old Hollywood, and enjoyed it very much. Well, most of it. I get so very tired of people asking inane questions and trying to one-up each other, as if they have exclusive right to knowledge.
Today I was back in my agitated state of mind, but had a fantastic discussion with a friend on change, directions, and possibilities.
I continue to accomplish little of what I need to do and nothing of what I want to do.
I feel so very broken....like a porcelain figurine that's fallen from a shelf behind a chair and not noticed missing.

Axe Wanted: Cherry Tree Optional

My Valentine's Day was lousy. And today hasn't been stellar either. After getting some great writing done, something went awry and while I have hope I can find it on a cyber clipboard, the loss knocked me into angst and tail spinning.

My last therapist sort of vanished on me two years ago after I came back from my Wisconsin weekend. She had helped me get up the gumption to actually go, because I was 12 hours away from not making the flight. I don't know if she thought since I did go, it was a happy ending  and I was 'cured' or what. She never called me to find out how I was, and I never called her.

The point of that story was: I've since frowned on traditional therapy as a source of guidance, but she did make one observation that is spot on, and unfortunately is becoming a problem.  She offered up that, given my 14 year relationship had ended, bound with the subsequent loss via death or relocation of key family members, pets, my boss, my priests, etc in less than a year, my ability to cope had been seriously damaged.

It's been wiped out entirely I think, and like 4 hours ago, when I couldn't retrieve my work, I went numb. Thus, nothing has been accomplished that needed to. No grocery shopping, no job hunting, no eBay auction postings.

Back to Valentine's Day. The morning started with dueling texts from Wisconsin. Then, we talked on the phone. At the end of the call, I got a formal apology and a wish for a happy V day. I hung up the phone and went into hysterics. I guess I'd rather he hadn't formally apologized. Oh yeah, he has a local guy he's apparently very interested in. I don't mind long distance romance, I'm not that crazy.

We talked a couple of days later and I, yes I asked how his Valentines Day was. Of course it sounded lovely. And I'm glad it was. I'm not mean in that way.  And I could very well go out the door right now and have a steak dinner myself. I should go out, because I haven't eaten very much today. This is not good for me physically and mentally. And even though this is Los Angeles, a major city, restaurants close early on Sunday. And it's late.

So, out the door I will go after finishing up a few things. I hope.

And Sometimes I Just Sit---

.....at the computer...or lay on the couch....or sit on the balcony. This has been one of those weeks. Where I thought Thursday was Friday....where I didn't eat alot because I wasn't that hungry.

I have been donating, tossing and selling much of the clutter. I think of my ex: who basically walked out of the apartment, taking his clothes, his computer, a table, a desk and not much else. All the pictures of us together, I've now sorted, cried about and put away.

Who will come out of this stronger? He who started with all new things and a new life?

Or the one who stayed, and reviewed every item, one by one.

Resolution #1

I've neglected this blog in lieu of other interests. It's not easy keeping a blog, I've found. Plus, other factors (continued lack of full time work, financial worries) tend to knock enthusiasm for most everything into a hat.
And that's so contrary to my usual happy-go-lucky, we can do it attitude, that it adds more worry on an overloaded, insomniac brain.
But I remain thankful for the ability to learn more about myself and the world around me, every day.