29 February 2012

Whither whither, shall I fly

I attended a slideshow presentation on old Hollywood, and enjoyed it very much. Well, most of it. I get so very tired of people asking inane questions and trying to one-up each other, as if they have exclusive right to knowledge.
Today I was back in my agitated state of mind, but had a fantastic discussion with a friend on change, directions, and possibilities.
I continue to accomplish little of what I need to do and nothing of what I want to do.
I feel so very broken....like a porcelain figurine that's fallen from a shelf behind a chair and not noticed missing.

19 February 2012

Axe Wanted: Cherry Tree Optional

My Valentine's Day was lousy. And today hasn't been stellar either. After getting some great writing done, something went awry and while I have hope I can find it on a cyber clipboard, the loss knocked me into angst and tail spinning.

My last therapist sort of vanished on me two years ago after I came back from my Wisconsin weekend. She had helped me get up the gumption to actually go, because I was 12 hours away from not making the flight. I don't know if she thought since I did go, it was a happy ending  and I was 'cured' or what. She never called me to find out how I was, and I never called her.

The point of that story was: I've since frowned on traditional therapy as a source of guidance, but she did make one observation that is spot on, and unfortunately is becoming a problem.  She offered up that, given my 14 year relationship had ended, bound with the subsequent loss via death or relocation of key family members, pets, my boss, my priests, etc in less than a year, my ability to cope had been seriously damaged.

It's been wiped out entirely I think, and like 4 hours ago, when I couldn't retrieve my work, I went numb. Thus, nothing has been accomplished that needed to. No grocery shopping, no job hunting, no eBay auction postings.

Back to Valentine's Day. The morning started with dueling texts from Wisconsin. Then, we talked on the phone. At the end of the call, I got a formal apology and a wish for a happy V day. I hung up the phone and went into hysterics. I guess I'd rather he hadn't formally apologized. Oh yeah, he has a local guy he's apparently very interested in. I don't mind long distance romance, I'm not that crazy.

We talked a couple of days later and I, yes I asked how his Valentines Day was. Of course it sounded lovely. And I'm glad it was. I'm not mean in that way.  And I could very well go out the door right now and have a steak dinner myself. I should go out, because I haven't eaten very much today. This is not good for me physically and mentally. And even though this is Los Angeles, a major city, restaurants close early on Sunday. And it's late.

So, out the door I will go after finishing up a few things. I hope.

14 February 2012

One Moment In Time

Whitney Houston's passing has been a tough one but also a time to reflect and be still. As it was the weekend Princess Diana died, I saw the news on the internet, and went into 'stunned' mode. I picked up supper and brought it home. Industry town that Los Angeles is, the timing of her death,the Grammy's, the Academy Awards coming up, the town got very quiet, and most people went into a fog. I was on the computer most of Sunday...but what I accomplished if anything is a blank.

I came out of that fog Monday afternoon. My opinion of the media dropped by the hour, and I've stopped looking at the news. While some of the online comments make me wonder if people in general have lost all compassion; overall most seem genuinely sad. The news that her daughter collapsed took me right back to 1975 with my own mother's death.

I remember so well when Whitney came on the scene: 1985, watching her music videos at happy hour. And up until about 5 or so years ago, I'd have bet money she was 10 years younger than me. This meaning that she would have to had been 14 when recording 'I Wanna Dance with Somebody'. Of course, I was so much more mature and sophisticated....yeah right.

My hope is the autopsy and subsequent toxicology reports will conclude that Whitney Houston simply 'wore out'. That may be wishful and 'look the other way' thinking on my part. As I struggle with my own issues, addictions and bored bad-boy-behavior, I know too well how very grey these areas are. I get very angry at those who toss the word 'druggie' about. In my opinion, anyone who sees a doctor and is given a prescription is as much a 'druggie' as someone buying pills under a streetlight on Skid Row. That's where I agree with Tony Bennett on legalizing all drugs.
The blessing in this has been I've been eyeing some on line programs targeting procrastination....which I could use a swift kick in the ass about. I've been looking or trying to look 'below the surface' because that's where my 'illness' is: the stuff I see when looking in the mirror are the symptoms.

And I wished and wished for an exciting life way back when. Oh my.

10 February 2012

And Sometimes I Just Sit---

.....at the computer...or lay on the couch....or sit on the balcony. This has been one of those weeks. Where I thought Thursday was Friday....where I didn't eat alot because I wasn't that hungry.

I have been donating, tossing and selling much of the clutter. I think of my ex: who basically walked out of the apartment, taking his clothes, his computer, a table, a desk and not much else. All the pictures of us together, I've now sorted, cried about and put away.

Who will come out of this stronger? He who started with all new things and a new life?

Or the one who stayed, and reviewed every item, one by one.